Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
