I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
