Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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