My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
