Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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