Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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