the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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