My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
