Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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