i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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