She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
