He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
