Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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