I faked an abortion last night.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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