Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
