Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
