You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
