Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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