i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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