Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
