How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
