so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
