Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
