It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
