I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
