You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
