After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
