dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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