i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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