so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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