My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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