I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
