I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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