I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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