remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
