I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
