Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
