You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
