its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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