dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
