I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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