I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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