I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
