Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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