So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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