im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
