Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That's intense
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
