I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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