You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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