the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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